Long lost friends...maybe not so lost on: The Planet of the Interwebs

I haven't attempted blogging in a long time, mainly because I don't believe that anything I have to say could be of any greater importance or contain any greater insight than all the other leet bloggers youtubers and hackers out there that seem too say everything you could possibly want to hear if your willing to dig a bit.

Whoa, run-on sentence much? Well, the reason I've decided to put on my writers fedora and put fingers to keyboard is this. The one person I most regret not having a lifelong friendship with...you see I was married and he was...well, so cute and charming and intelligent, and a friend of my wife's from work.

At any rate I had several chances to honestly tell him what I felt, but I still had so much queer self hatred that I couldn't get past the attraction. I know he knew that I had something on my mind and heart but, I also knew that he would never force it out of me.

I have always had a problem with my will being of two different minds. My birth name is Benjamin, but for years I went by Alice. I love songwriting and playing the guitar but I sold my last setup, because I could not decide how to finish ONE song...for almost ten years. It was called All That Remains...I could not choose how to end it and it was so painful to me that I sold my musical equipment.

Now I don't have to worry about it.

I didn't know how I felt about this man...did I admire him like a mentor or colleague or a friend or...It was torture and when we parted paths I never forgot or got over my loss.

I found him today. Here on My Space...I had looked all over the 'net for years, but somehow I missed this site. Ironic. I am so afraid he will think I am crazy for writing him the private message


that I did. I was so nervous and I felt so...scared and desperate to get my say in.

I'm afraid I didn't end up saying anything the right way. I feel like a teenager again. I hated those years so much at the time, but now I would do anything to have the time back- to make the right choices. I know its fruitless, but that's my neurosis.

By the way, Mr. Jones, if you read this...please don't hold this against me. I am just so shocked and hopeful/afraid...

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